my soul is dissolving.

Another boring lonely day 1/24/2024

I miss being able to keep myself occupied for hours and hours a day. Having a social life, hobbies, work and basically a reason to live. It’s so boring having zero motivation for anything. I’m so depressed that absolutely nothing brings me joy. I just want to be motivated to make music. I wish I had a little collective where we all like the same games, music, movies and hobbies. A close group with the same views, opinions and interests. It’s so lonely with no friends and no connections. Lonely lost Highway. Thinking about the past all the time I can’t seem to escape the trauma. Hopefully turning my interest back towards Columbine again helps out, I read Dylan klebolds journal last night again and we had such similar feelings and views on life. I wish I knew him in person and helped him see he was not alone. I feel so alone all the time in this existence. It’s like I’m trapped. I miss being a kid/teenager. Having motivation and obsessions. I need that drive back. Euphoria. I miss all of my feelings I’m so sad they were taken away by the psychiatric facilities. My feelings were so beautiful and exciting. Maybe once I lose weight and get healthy I will feel better and get my life back… I’m going to start editing Columbine videos again and posting them, I think it will be a good outlet for my pain as well as create music again. I need to start making music I keep having these dreams about music creation and waking up to these amazing ideas. I’m sorta happy with the Barettabunny username but I wish it was something like reb or vodka lmfao so I can be like Eric and Dylan. Me and Dylan have an addiction to Dr Pepper it’s kinda funny. Listening to nine inch nails and drinking Dr Pepper type beat. I’m gonna start making some good music with good lyrics relating to Dylan. Ahhh I miss the 90’s feelings. I’m gonna make a groceries and get all of my tumblr and socials in order. I’m happy to join livejournal, I’ve never had one before and I’m excited to leave a track of journals behind, I want to leave an online social presence behind so people can learn more about my mind and interests and the things that make me happy. I really love my boyfriend and he makes me so happy and fulfilled I’m just lonely in the friendship aspect. When he’s at work I’m all alone at home mostly playing video games, I need to start grinding for SoundCloud and YouTube. I’m going to start editing my own music videos too once I create songs ahhh I’m so excited. Also I miss bladee music I really wish he would create more songs and release more music. Also I will be on Wattpad creating stories of all of my alternate universes of me and Dylan and others. Ahaha it will be fun. I hope I don’t get banned. Also streaming everyday will be super fun hopefully I can build a fun gaming group of people.

Comstantly dreaming of a new life 1/23/2024.

I’m constantly day dreaming of a new life that’s completely unachievable. It’s impossible to have what I truly want and what will truly make me happy so I’m stuck daydreaming about a life I cannot live. I’m so unfulfilled in everything in this world and the crippling emptiness and loneliness does not help. It’s so isolating being this lonely all the time. No one to confide in, no one to share interests in. It’s upsetting me that I am now 25 and this lonely and sad. I cannot relate to anyone at all ever. I feel like I can really only relate to Dylan klebold. I feel like we have similar thoughts and think a lot about the same things I’ve been thinking about him a lot. I miss the 90’s era and everything about it. I’m so lonely it’s eating me inside. I wonder how I can make friends? It is usually easy online but I’ve been having no luck with making long term friends that want to game or talk it’s so frustrating. I miss the comfort of having someone to tell everything to as well as follow their life story and help them out. I really wish I was someone else I keep imaging m in life if it played out differently and I chose a different path and had success. I’m so broken inside.





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